Falling Down the Mountain

(Written when I found out that Jenny, my wife, had a miscarriage and found out that we lost our first child. [Yes, I believe that life starts in the womb. The Bible makes that abundantly clear.])

I expected to be on a mountaintop with an absolutely breathtaking view. I expected an experience transcending reality, a moment frozen in time, my emotions overwhelmed with pure joy and amazement. As I reached the mountaintop, there was no breathtaking view. Clouds rolled in, rain came out, winds came up, and I fell down. Climbing a mountain is a tough experience, but it builds up your muscles and strength. Falling down a mountain is even tougher, leaving you cut up, bruised, and broken, in need of healing, not sure whether to cry or curse, to get back on your feet or to simply lay there in defeat. That's where I find myself today. After weeks of climbing a mountain in anticipation of the beauty to be found at the peak, I now lay on the other side of the mountain, broken, without finding the anticipated beauty, the rain still falling, and wondering whether it's even worth standing up right now or if I should let the chaos of the storm blow over first. I am tired. I am drained. I am broken. I am in need of healing.

"A squall came down on the lake, so that the boat was being swamped, and they were in great danger. The disciples went and woke Him, saying, 'Master, Master, we're going to drown!' He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm. 'Where is your faith?" He asked His disciples. In fear and amazement they asked on another, "Who is this? He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey Him."

Lying in the shadow of the mountain, my storm still hasn't subsided. I've asked, but no miraculous intervention has occurred. Now what? Do I not have enough faith? Is that same question asked to the disciples being asked of me? Probably, but at least the disciples didn't have to worry about the storm anymore. Where does one go to find faith? Where does faith come from? "Faith comes from hearing, and hearing from the Word of God." There it is. To the Word of God I go…

"I am the man who has seen affliction by the rod of the Lord's wrath… Even when I call out or cry for help, He shuts out my prayer... He pierced my heart with arrows from His quiver… I have been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what prosperity is… My soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself: 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.' The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. For no one is cast off by the Lord forever. Though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love, for He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone."

"Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God."

"Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you."

"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to You, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the Rock that is higher than I. For You have been my refuge, a strong tower against my foe."

"Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy, and eat! Come buy wine and milk without money and without cost. 'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,' declares the Lord. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts. As the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is My word that goes out from My mouth: it will not return to Me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.'"

"How precious to me are Your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them!"

Now, with rain still falling, but winds dying and thunder ceasing, I stand up, strengthened. Looking around, I see no path, for the rain has washed any clear path away. Honestly, I'm not even sure I want there to be a path. No. I want a chairlift to take me back to the top where I can wait for the clouds to part and partake in the beautiful view. I want to sit back down until someone clears a path for me, but time ticks on. Life doesn't wait. Now what? Where do I go now? What is God thinking? Exactly what are His thoughts? Clearly, He's got an incredible plan, but I can't see it. Time to take the first step, despite not being able to see exactly where it is I'm going. "For we walk by faith, not by sight." So be it.

I was sure by now, God, You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day.

But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining.

As the thunder rolls, I barely hear You whisper through the rain: "I'm with you."

And as Your mercy falls, I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away…

And I'll praise You in this storm; and I will lift my hands, for You are who You are, no matter where I am.

And every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand; You never left my side.

And though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm.

I remember when I stumbled in the wind, You heard my cry to you and you raised me up again.

My strength is almost gone; how can I carry on if I can't find You?

As the thunder rolls, I barely hear You whisper through the rain: "I'm with you."

And as Your mercy falls, I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away…

And I'll praise You in this storm; and I will lift my hands, for You are who You are, no matter where I am.

And every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand; You never left my side.

And though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm.

Higher than the mountains that I face,

Stronger than the power of the grave,

Constant through the trial and the change,

One thing remains:

Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me.

I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the One who gave it all. I'll stand, my soul, Lord, to you surrendered. All I am is Yours.

Credits:

Luke 8:22-25.

Romans 10:17.

Lamentations 3:1, 8, 13, 17, 20-26, 31-33.

Psalm 42:11.

Psalm 55:22.

Psalm 61:1-3.

Isaiah 55:1, 8-11.

Psalm 139:17.

2 Corinthians 5:7.

Praise You in this Storm by Casting Crowns.

One Thing by Jesus Culture.

The Stand by Hillsong United.